The truth withheld

I'm a Priest. I'm thirty. My name is Samuel. Priesthood has always held a special meaning for me. Everyday during mass, I'd fall in a trance, listening to our Parish Priest. I'd imagine I was the on the pulpit. My white sparkle like that of the angels without spot; with all glow.
And as we sang "are you washed with the blood" during communion, I'd close my eyes, my hands pressed together as I took the communion. It always felt like heaven. I almost did see God smiling down at me, and almost did hear his voice booming through the speakers in our auditorium saying; "this is my beloved son, in whom I am well pleased"

I joined the seminary quite too early. I joined when I started hating the world and its ways, and that was really early. I got into the seminary first in my mind at six, although in reality I joined at twenty after my university education. I did a course in guidance and counseling.

As you might have guessed, I didn't even have friends. I always moved from class to the house, the parish house and then back home. And it was more than because of the fact that I wanted to be a priest...
It's also more than the fact that I'm a priest that I have no liking for women, that I fast five days out of seven every week, and pray more often than not.
It's more than the fact that I'm a priest, that I lie in bed every night unable to sleep, wondering if I'm guilty or guiltless.

I was sexually abused at six by a friend of the family; Tonye. I never told my mentor. Not even when he asked me on my first day in seminary if I am a virgin. I had said yes.  I technically am. Ain't I? I didn't give my consent to it so!
But the question still burns in my mind. I still google in private mode; "who is a virgin?" "Am I a virgin if I was raped?" Rape?   You ask. That's what I consider it. A rape on my innocence. A rape of my childhood. I had become a man that first night,  the others had made me a philosopher. I don't know why I didn't tell my mentor the story. I don't think I lied, I just withheld some truth, but I pray Mother Mary forgives me.
There are some things you just can't tell anyone. You can't even tell yourself. You hide that part of you and call it an illusion. You try to convince yourself that it's a dream, but it's there and it gnaws on you from the inside. Yeah I know. It's my story too.
I've packed my bags. I'm ready to leave if they ask me to.  I'm going to tell my mentor of my sin. For I know not what name to call it.  I hope they let me stay. I love my flock and I love priesthood. But I can't hide forever. I pray Mother Mary through her son Jesus forgives me. And I pray the flock flourish. Amen.

Story by: A.W Supreme

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